Today is now, tomorrow is not, and yesterday never was.

I noticed that my fashion changes with my mood. As does my hair color!
I feel I will alway see myself as a blonde. Happy, strong, stand out, and fearless with nothing to worry about. However my hair is a burgandy color, because I am on a mission.
I am determined to be better. Determined to find out what is missing and fix it. Ready. Ready to put my head down and just Go!
I want push limits I have unwittingly put on myself.
I want my health to improve. I am walking 3 miles (almost) everyday.
I want my writing to improve. I am signing for "fundamentals of writing" this week.
I want to see the world. I am saving up to get my passport.
Yep I am not a blonde who can relax and enjoy the spoils of a war not fought.
I'm dark haired warrior on a mission to better her world.
You may be asking why my hair color is somehow important enough to make it on to a blog... The truth is...it isn't.
Its just a way of reminding myself everytime I look in the mirror and miss my blonde locks, that I am determined to reach my goals. So I can lay back and enjoy who I have become.
I challange you to find something that makes you remember your goals everyday. And tell me about it!

I'm back again

So I am in Mesa, for who knows how much longer as my house will be gone in January.


I am still good friends with Josh.


I no long speak with E.


Heath is doing great in UT.


Marlo is pregnant with a little baby boy!


Coltons wife Meghan gave birth to my first Niece, Thae Olivia Flake. Red headed and so cute!


And As for me, I am working (that's good news) I am a sales representative at Space Age Auto Paint. Even have cards to prove it!


I'm single. Which is fine for now. Still writing and trying to stay positive. It's working so far. I miss Heath but I got to see him last month.


I'm going to go back to school. Just more writing classes as I'm sure you've noticed I need help with grammar and spelling. Hopefully I will be able to get a good recommendation for an adventure I hope I will be blogging about soon. But for now I will keep you all in suspense. I went to Time Out For Women and the theme was "Choose to Become" and what is it I chose to become?
A finisher. I have been a quitter for a very long time (like since childhood). I want to be the type of person who sets a goal and reaches it, who starts a project and finishes it, and who has a dream and Makes it come true.
I am ready for a new chapter in my life. Not to disregard any of the old chapters, but to simply keep this story moving.
AWWE feels so good!
There was a long period of time where I never thought I would ever say this again. But I am stronger now.
So, once again, I am here, and I am happy to be me.

So Now is better than Then

So here is where I'm at- I am doing so much better! I have finished school (Yay me!!) and am now a Freelance writer (kinda...) I am, however, unemployed living alone at my M&D's house in Mesa, (they still live at the ranch) which is fine for now. Writing everyday-ish and just doing my own thing.
People in my life are good. Josh is my newest best Friend who I met last March. We dated for like a second, ended that and have been best buds ever since! We've had our up's and downs, but over all I am really happy to have a friend like him, he keeps me sane and makes life fun. In the less then a year that I've known him I have learned more about myself and the world then I ever have before. I don't know how I would have made it through 2010 without him.
My oldest brother Heath moved away to UT. I miss him a lot but I just know he is in the right place doing what's best for him.
E got married...that's all I have to say about that. (If you can't say nothing nice...)
I have been doing a lot more Cakes and I really like it. Christmas was cool we had it at Frog's new house I got lots off cool stuff including a Cake cricket!! Which I can't wait to use but we haven't had any orders since then. (bummer)
Well that's the short rap up of what you missed. I am doing good. I just keep praying for it to stay that way and/or improve!!

Remind me why

I am still not done with school and I still don't know what to do after school...I make up my mind about something and then I realize I'm so sure and, look at that, I am back to square one.

So my heart was not 'broken' just a little sprain, well a big sprain, but I will recover as I always have and apparently always will...for the shortest of moments I was whole. And then my ego took a dirt nap. Who knew the same painful situation you've dealt with all your life could still hurt like a fresh wound even now. I'm the short white kid going out for basketball, I'm the fat kid before a dodge ball game, I am the unripe orange at the top of the tree, I am always picked last...And I'm sick of it!

I wanted to find out I who was and who I wanted to become and well then life happened...and happened...and happened and as all the small things, that shouldn't really matter, added up to a pile of bad feelings I want to run...I just want more time of "not knowing".
But I have no time! I am old enough I should already be who I want to be. I should know what to do I should be able to take care of myself! But I just can't stop myself from running from the things that terrify me.

I am scared and I have never felt quite so alone before. I remember when I used to liked being alone. What I am having right now is a build up to a meltdown...I mean a real meltdown like Britney Spears type stuff. (hopefully my hair will make it through unshaven) But once that happens life will go on and we will all go back to being A-OK.

But for this moment I just want to be sad and wallow in self pity...just for a little while...I hope.

Welcome To My Nightmare

My life is in limbo I am almost finished with school and have no plans after that! The past few months have been the hardest of my life.I feel as if I have gained 100lbs because the only time I don't feel like there is knife in my chest is when I am either crying or eating. Luckily a resent stomach flu has stopped the food intake in its tracks...for now. Like I said worst time ever! Complete with deaths, breaking hearts, internalized sorrow, bloody losses of pets, and the ever horrifying 'shake of faith'. Now all I want to do is move on and forget this all ever happened but where do I go and what do I do?


So I have no clue where I am off to, I have options (however outrageous) but I just can't trust myself to make a decision.
The last time I made up mind about something and knew it for sure was what I wanted it blow up in my face and I mean blown up, bits and pieces of my mental health are still being scraped off the pavement, now the thought of doing it over again scares me so much I can't think about it without the urge to vomit!
I wish I had one of those families who plan your life out for you and all you want is to make your own way...If there are any princess' out there who want to switch places with a pauper just let me know.
It is time for me to become whoever it is that I am going to become...so who is that?

I'm Back at the Ranch! I only wish it was not under these circumstances My Grandpa passed away after everything after so many miracles. Well I know he is in a better place but what about us the ones left standing with our mouths hung open, wondering how we could all be so wrong. I spent the majority of the last few months living in Sun City in order to help my Grandma with whatever she needed. I wanted out I'll admit but not this way... I loved my Grandpa he was such a good man. I only hope I can make him Proud by the life I live.I want to move on. I love you Grandpa and some I know I will see you again in the meantime I will miss you.

I am in Cleveland helping my Grandpa recover from a Lung transplant! I miss my home but I'm glad I'm here. This computer does not let me put pictures on but I feel like I should do more with this blog its such an easy way to keep updated.