I am still not done with school and I still don't know what to do after school...I make up my mind about something and then I realize I'm so sure and, look at that, I am back to square one.
So my heart was not 'broken' just a little sprain, well a big sprain, but I will recover as I always have and apparently always will...for the shortest of moments I was whole. And then my ego took a dirt nap. Who knew the same painful situation you've dealt with all your life could still hurt like a fresh wound even now. I'm the short white kid going out for basketball, I'm the fat kid before a dodge ball game, I am the unripe orange at the top of the tree, I am always picked last...And I'm sick of it!
I wanted to find out I who was and who I wanted to become and well then life happened...and happened...and happened and as all the small things, that shouldn't really matter, added up to a pile of bad feelings I want to run...I just want more time of "not knowing".
But I have no time! I am old enough I should already be who I want to be. I should know what to do I should be able to take care of myself! But I just can't stop myself from running from the things that terrify me.
I am scared and I have never felt quite so alone before. I remember when I used to liked being alone. What I am having right now is a build up to a meltdown...I mean a real meltdown like Britney Spears type stuff. (hopefully my hair will make it through unshaven) But once that happens life will go on and we will all go back to being A-OK.
But for this moment I just want to be sad and wallow in self pity...just for a little while...I hope.
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