Remind me why

I am still not done with school and I still don't know what to do after school...I make up my mind about something and then I realize I'm so sure and, look at that, I am back to square one.

So my heart was not 'broken' just a little sprain, well a big sprain, but I will recover as I always have and apparently always will...for the shortest of moments I was whole. And then my ego took a dirt nap. Who knew the same painful situation you've dealt with all your life could still hurt like a fresh wound even now. I'm the short white kid going out for basketball, I'm the fat kid before a dodge ball game, I am the unripe orange at the top of the tree, I am always picked last...And I'm sick of it!

I wanted to find out I who was and who I wanted to become and well then life happened...and happened...and happened and as all the small things, that shouldn't really matter, added up to a pile of bad feelings I want to run...I just want more time of "not knowing".
But I have no time! I am old enough I should already be who I want to be. I should know what to do I should be able to take care of myself! But I just can't stop myself from running from the things that terrify me.

I am scared and I have never felt quite so alone before. I remember when I used to liked being alone. What I am having right now is a build up to a meltdown...I mean a real meltdown like Britney Spears type stuff. (hopefully my hair will make it through unshaven) But once that happens life will go on and we will all go back to being A-OK.

But for this moment I just want to be sad and wallow in self pity...just for a little while...I hope.

Welcome To My Nightmare

My life is in limbo I am almost finished with school and have no plans after that! The past few months have been the hardest of my life.I feel as if I have gained 100lbs because the only time I don't feel like there is knife in my chest is when I am either crying or eating. Luckily a resent stomach flu has stopped the food intake in its tracks...for now. Like I said worst time ever! Complete with deaths, breaking hearts, internalized sorrow, bloody losses of pets, and the ever horrifying 'shake of faith'. Now all I want to do is move on and forget this all ever happened but where do I go and what do I do?


So I have no clue where I am off to, I have options (however outrageous) but I just can't trust myself to make a decision.
The last time I made up mind about something and knew it for sure was what I wanted it blow up in my face and I mean blown up, bits and pieces of my mental health are still being scraped off the pavement, now the thought of doing it over again scares me so much I can't think about it without the urge to vomit!
I wish I had one of those families who plan your life out for you and all you want is to make your own way...If there are any princess' out there who want to switch places with a pauper just let me know.
It is time for me to become whoever it is that I am going to become...so who is that?